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2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 
So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a "Muslim
Bookstore." I was wondering what exactly was in a "Muslim Bookstore" so I
went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me and asked if
he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele.

So I asked for a copy of the U.S. immigration policy book regarding Muslims.

The clerk said, "F*ck off, get out, and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?"
 
Texas Attitude
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. (fixin' in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

She replied, "Well, bless your heart!! ~ You just go ahead and jump ... you little Yankee ~ Obama lovin' ~ Democrat Retard! You're holding up traffic!!"
 
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Oregon for some sightseeing. He was cruising along a campground on the Rogue when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot Black Bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Portland and get another one?"
 
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
 
There's a thin line between "I should write a Faces Book tatus about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"
 
MICHIGAN, according to JEFF FOXWORTHY:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Michigan. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Michigan. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Michigan. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Michigan. If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Grand Rapids for the weekend, you may live in Michigan. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Michigan. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Michigan. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Michigan. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Michigan. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Michigan. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Michigan. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Michigan. If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Michigan. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Michigan. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Michigan. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Michigan. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Michigan. If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Michigan friends and others can see, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Michigan
Click to expand...

I can attest to or have been guilty of all of the above with the exception of one. The snow definitely does not smooth put the potholes!!!!
 
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."
 
I PHONED THE RADIO STATION TODAY.
The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!"
"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a math question."
"Well, I've got a degree in math," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school."
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Beiber concert and to meet him back stage, what is 2+2?"
.
.
.
.
.
"7" I REPLIED
 
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