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2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.

The salesperson (a nice looking, black lady wearing a “Hillary for President” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. She had no sense of humor.
 
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media is really tearing you apart for That Scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The funding of neoNazis in the Ukraine that led to the toppling of the democratically elected president and to the biggest crisis that country has had since WWII ?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Being the mastermind of the so-called “Arab Spring” that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa ?
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi and go to sleep?
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the "moderate" terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya?
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware, when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".
 
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 60. I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW! Right?

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
 
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me.
I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to Know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."


Bah Dah Bing!
 
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
 
60 Years together

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. “It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said,

"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ."
 
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied, in a loud voice,
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of
minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a
laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet
you felt embarrassed, right"

The man responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man
whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
 
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.” Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

  • Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
    Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
    Dr. Young: Aaagh!! — “This is Gasoline!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

  • Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
    Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
    Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

  • Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!! ”
    Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill).
    Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer” Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.
 
Two old friends went to play golf together when another guy carrying a golf bag called out to them:
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure, what do you want?”
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."
 
Last Saturday afternoon, an aide to President Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington D.C. He told the Cardinal that the President would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views."

Obama's aide replied, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Obama's aide promised, Obama and his entourage appeared at Sunday's worship service and sat prominently in the front row on the center aisle.

As promised, the Cardinal pointed out Obama's presence followed by a smattering of guttural sounds from the congregation. The Cardinal went on to explain that, "While President Obama's presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages for a number of reasons. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed, assuming he even IS a Christian. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois . "The man is simply not to be trusted."

A hush consumed the congregation though many heads nodded in agreement. The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."
 
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me*!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this ******* badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land*!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand*?!!” The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge, show him your ****** BADGE……..!
 
A 17-year-old boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms and walks up to the pharmacy counter.

The pharmacist asks the young man whether he wants a 3, 9, or 12 pack.

“Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months now,” the boy began, “and I think tonight is ‘the’ night. First, we’re going to have dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out… and I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting lucky,” he said with a smile. “After the first time, she’ll be guaranteed to want me all the time, so I’d better get the 12 pack to start.” The boy paid the pharmacist, grabbed the condoms, and walked out the door.

That night, the young man sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He offers to give the blessing and enters into a long prayer and it goes on for minutes…

The girl nudges her boyfriend, saying, “You never told me you were so religious.”

The boy then whispers into her ear, “You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
 
Three old friends were having coffee and they got to talking about the old days.
First old timer says when he was younger, by 8:00 am, everyday, he had a big solid BM. Now he can sit there straining all morning and nothing happens.

Second guy commiserated, says when he was younger, he'd get up everyday at 7:30 am and pee like a racehorse. Now he just stands there and gets a little dribble going.

Third fella says every morning at 7:30 he pees like a racehorse, followed by a massive BM by 8:00.
Problem is, he doesn't get up until 9:00
 
I love golf jokes. :)

Midge and Earl were at home late one afternoon, getting all gussied up to go out and celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. Suddenly, Midge just stopped what she was doing and said, "Earl, I have a question for you."

"Yes, Midge, what is it?" he replied.

"If I died before you, would you ever remarry?" Midge asked.

Early was dumbfounded. "Why on earth did you think of that? What a morbid thing to say. Here we are, getting ready to go celebrate a quarter-century together, and you bring something like this up!?!?"

Midge replied, "But Earl, there's no guarantees in life. Something might happen to me and I'd be taken from you. I just wanted to know if you'd ever consider marrying someone else."

Earl tried to evade the question, but Midge was relentless. Finally, Earl thought that if he gave her an answer, the subject would be dropped. "Yes, Midge, I probably would."

Midge then asked, "Would you sell the house?"

Earl was flabbergasted. "Now why on earth would I sell the house. It's a great house, it's in a nice neighborhood.... there's no compelling reason I'd sell the house."

Midge was on a mission. "Would you sleep in our bed?"

Earl couldn't believe it. "For what reason would I not? It's a comfortable bed. I think you're going way too far here. NO, I WOULD NOT GET RID OF THE BED."

But Midge was not done. "Would she use my golf clubs?"

Earl had had enough. "No, she wouldn't." was his reply. "She's left-handed."
 
A kid just knocked on the door and said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it ain't a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

I gave him all of my candy
 
Keep track of that kid. If he isn't a lot fuzzier on Nov. 14, get your candy back.
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