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2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the Rules " from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for..


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting or guns.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
 
Little funny story.

I read this aloud to my youngest son and wife.

Once I finished reading, she said at least you got 1 right (referring to the round shape I think).

My youngest son looked her in the eye and said yes mom.

They were all 1.

:omg: :laugh:
 
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses
claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto
a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long
been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months
after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things
for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens
 
Proof of "fake news."

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her before the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, let...ting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson, and I am a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the New York Times and reads, on the front page:

*REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH*
 
10 reasons Men Prefer Guns over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
 
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly... then said "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".

She asked "What does that mean?" He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She smiled happily and said.".. Oh, that's so lovely... what about I, J, K?"

He said "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen... but it will hopefully get better!!"
 
SCAM ON SENIOR MEN

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one Caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead, ask for a ride to McDonald's. Ok, this is when it really gets scary.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen MAY 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also JUNE 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's to Home Depot to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon).
 
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. ...A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband:
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband's voice broke up
Sergeant:
Don't worry, we will find your Jeep.
 
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
 
A friend gave me a Vietnam veteran hat, I thought it was cool so... yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart.

There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early twenties, asked "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that hat?" "Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812". I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812 huh?" the Walmartian queried "When was that?" God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936". He pondered my response for a moment and responded "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it".

This was beginning to be way too much fun.

"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission".

"Dude!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage".

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man" I said in a very serious tone "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything". "Oh yeah" he gave me the "don't threaten me look". "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat.
 
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AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
I picked up a hitchhiker today. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger, and said “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him that it was no problem, because the chances are astronomically against there being two serial killers in one car.

He was strangely quiet after that and wanted out at the next signal. Was it something I said?
 
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a "Make America Great Again" cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here please, bartender... but not for the 'Republican'".

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union boss.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out "Thank you!!"

Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope" replies the bartender. "He owns the place".
 
Adam and Eve said "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us".

And God said "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves".

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal".

And God said "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG".

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well".

And God said "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration".

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And the Cat? The Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
 
I would laugh, but at 4am this morning I stepped in a pile of cat puke, fell going into the bathroom in the dark, and barely missed killing myself as I ripped off half my thumb nail on the tile.

My wife was crying as I was holding her cat by the Scruff of the neck and threatening to throw it outdoors in the yard with the dogs to die.

Anyhow, I got her to agree to quit overfeeding the damn thing so it doesn't puke all over, but after reading that joke about Adam and Eve I'm pretty sure that this cat is God's punishment for my life of Hedonism.
 
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