2 + 2 + 2 = 7 (Jokes)
- Thread starter MikeD
- Start date
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now!”
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now!”
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you really look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that."
His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that."
^ That'd be funny if it weren't true...
After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
The day after their 60th wedding anniversary, the old couple is sitting at the breakfast table.
The wife looks over and asks, "Do you remember what we were doing at this time exactly 60 years ago?"
The husband answers, "Of course. We were eating breakfast at this very table."
The wife says, "Correct, but there's one difference. 60 years ago we were naked. Do you want to eat naked for old time's sake?"
The husband says, "Okay." They both undress and sit back down.
The wife looks longingly at her husband and says, "My nipples are just as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
The husband answers, "I'm not a bit surprised. One is in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee."
The wife looks over and asks, "Do you remember what we were doing at this time exactly 60 years ago?"
The husband answers, "Of course. We were eating breakfast at this very table."
The wife says, "Correct, but there's one difference. 60 years ago we were naked. Do you want to eat naked for old time's sake?"
The husband says, "Okay." They both undress and sit back down.
The wife looks longingly at her husband and says, "My nipples are just as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
The husband answers, "I'm not a bit surprised. One is in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee."
Naval Pilots
A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please."
The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money.
"With his interest piqued, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of mechanics, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a Naval pilot."
A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please."
The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money.
"With his interest piqued, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of mechanics, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a Naval pilot."
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
LOL...
Eewwww...
The preacher is walking down the street when he happens upon little Johnny who is cussin' up a blue streak.
The preacher stops and says, "Johnny! You shouldn't cuss like that!"
Little Johnny says, "Why the hell not?"
The preacher says, "Because God will hear it an punish you."
Little Johnny says, "I don't believe in that shit!"
The preacher says, "Well you should! See this bottle of holy water? This morning I rubbed it on a woman'e stomach and she passed a baby."
Little Johnny says, "Hell that's nothing. See this tube of Ben Gay? This morning I rubbed it on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle."
The preacher stops and says, "Johnny! You shouldn't cuss like that!"
Little Johnny says, "Why the hell not?"
The preacher says, "Because God will hear it an punish you."
Little Johnny says, "I don't believe in that shit!"
The preacher says, "Well you should! See this bottle of holy water? This morning I rubbed it on a woman'e stomach and she passed a baby."
Little Johnny says, "Hell that's nothing. See this tube of Ben Gay? This morning I rubbed it on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle."